Dear my future,

I don't like to be the girl crying on the phone telling about how her great and wonderful partner has deeply wounded, offended and made her embarrassed. Why do you think its okay to talk to me like that? As if it is my fault that your life is unsatisfactory to you. You have a good life. you are sick of people telling you that you need to wait and everything with be fine, well let me be different, I say everything is fine already. You have a good life. You have a loving family that willingly digs into their pockets to help you, you have a job where you do occasionally laugh and have fun, so much that the other day you told me that even though its not perfect, the people in the job are so much fun that you are unwilling to change locations, even though that would save you significantly a lot of money. you have a good girlfriend, I know I am. I might have quirks, but I love you despite all of yours and humbly except all the criticisms you throw against me. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear your apologies, I want you to treat me with the same kindness and compassion that I treat you with. This is my fault that I feel this hurt. I have let you become more then may be I should have. I want you to do something, sacrifice something, to show me that you are looking for a partner, an equal, not a door mat or someone that you can be a bitch too. I'm so angry at you. I'm so disappointed that I am still having to talk to you about this. This is who you are and I need to cope with it....... but I don't want to. I want you to change. RED FLAG! People don't change. So I am back to having to cope with it or not being with you. At the moment, in all honesty, I don't want to have the same conversation ever again. But we just made plans and spent this money on this huge trip, and I have made you the center, what am I going to do if my center is gone? You better fix this or else I am going to have a hole in me.

Soleless and Still Going......

I have been an official runner now for 13 years. I started running when I was 13 years old because I heard my dad say " have you noticed that she is getting a little chubby?" I weighed something like 75 lbs.... but I took it to heart and also picked up a new hobby. What started as a practice to obtain the unachievable body that is plastered and airbrushed onto every magazine, has actually been my personal spiritual practice that has taught me about God, strengthened me, broke me, and renewed me. I feel that after a good run, I can gain the clarity that journaling, talking and reading my bible (sorry God) does not. When I run, the world and my mind are not as noisy and I hear myself more clear. However..... once I reach the end, I move on and have no way of capturing and savoring these few moments of sanity. Thus, for large percentages of my day I feel chaotic and unresolved.... thats what these post will be for me. They will be my running reflections. Some will be on miles, others will be on everything else. I thought about signing up for some momentous race, but I don't want to run or do anything very big. I want simple days and plans. I want to enjoy my time, my runs without the stress of a stop watch or an impending date. I feel very comfortable and happy where I am at, I do not feel like I need to achieve much more. I just want to be much more, where I already am.